“An apple a day keeps the doctor away”
Sure it does. But is it right to deliver blunt-force trauma to someone who has spent over seven years training to save lives? And what if you miss with the first apple? There is an economic cost associated with buying cases of apples to ensure that one of them lands on mark to deter the malevolent medic from making it into your home.
This doesn’t begin to cover the range of muscular injuries you are at risk from; carrying a box of apples could damage your back, throwing could result in a bicep tear, and laughing at a successful hit has been linked to incidents of myocardial infarction and death [link].
At this point, you are probably wondering if an apple could be used in another way to deter a persistent medic. Maybe feeding one to her or him could achieve the same desired result? Let’s look at what goes into an apple.
Apples are one of those things that grow outside, a bit like magic. No one knows the actual process, but we are certain that Big Fruit is up to no good. The clue is that they don’t taste like ash mixed with dog faeces, so they clearly aren’t being marketed to adults.
Big Fruit use a chemical called ammonium nitrate to accelerate growth of these so-called fruits. Ammonium nitrate is an exceptionally dangerous substance, as recently witnessed in Beirut [link].
Taking a slice of an apple and examining it, we can see it contains:
- Calcium – Can increase risk of kidney stones [link]
- Magnesium – “Kidney problems, low blood pressure, urine retention, nausea and vomiting, depression, lethargy, a loss of central nervous system (CNS) control, cardiac arrest, and possibly death” [link]
- Sulphur – So dangerous it has its own hazardous substances fact sheet [link]
- Phosphorus – “It causes skin to melt away from the bone and can break down a victim's jawbone” [link]
- Chlorine – “Classed as a pulmonary agent or choking agent” [link], a poison gas in WW1
- Sodium – “Eye burns…digestive tract and respiratory tract burns” [link]
- Potassium – Contact with solid Potassium can cause severe burns [link]
- Iron – Have you ever hit your finger with a hammer? Now that’s danger for you
- Zink – “Stomach cramps, skin irritations, vomiting, nausea and anaemia” [link]
- Lead – The CDC says, “lead exposure can cause death” [link]
- Cadmium – “Cadmium and its compounds are highly toxic and exposure to this metal is known to cause cancer and targets the body's cardiovascular, renal, gastrointestinal, neurological, reproductive, and respiratory systems [link]
- Polyphenols – “Animal studies show that high-dose polyphenol supplements may cause kidney damage, tumours, and an imbalance in thyroid hormone levels” [link]
- Amygdalin, turned into hydrocyanic acid in the body – “gasping, irregular heartbeats, seizures, fainting, and even rapid death” [link]
It doesn’t end there; one kilogram of apples can contain 20 milligrams of formaldehyde – over four times that found in the worst case vape research scenario [link].
At this point it is clear that the simple apple is an incredible vehicle for suffering and death far surpassing its ability to boink off a doctor’s temple. And this is the reason Planet of the Vapes is launching The Campaign For Apple-Free Kids.
Even child-friendly processed fruit products are leading to blindness: “I purchased a bottle of fruit juice from the local supermarket and when I got home, I was attempting to open the cap when the bottle exploded blasting the cap into my right eye. I couldn’t see out of the eye and my wife took me to hospital where I was diagnosed with a significant eye injury including deteriorating eyesight, double vision, sensitivity to bright light and headaches” [link].
Convinced the public health experts are correct? Paracelsus be damned, the evidence is overwhelming. To protect our children, we must aim for a zero-risk society and eliminate absolutely everything that can be misinterpreted as being dangerous. Planet of the Vapes is currently seeking funding from a billionaire wishing to make everybody’s life miserable – would you be interested, Mr Bloomberg?