“The brilliant thing about RCTs are that they eliminate as many sources of bias as possible from the process,” explained lead author Stanton Glantz. “For example, we managed to completely eliminate any reference to the conversations I had with Michael Bloomberg about what types of results he was looking for when he gave me a couple of million dollars.”
Glantz says that his latest study demonstrates beyond any doubt that vaping causes lungs to explode – not just in the person vaping, but everybody within a seventeen-mile radius.
“It’s true,” said the hands-on professor, “and the results back this up.”
Glantz thinks many people do not fully understand how an RCT works; he took us through the steps. “Firstly, and most importantly, we had to randomise something. We decided the best thing was to look at the words we commonly associate with electronic cigarette smoking – like ‘vape’, ‘vaping’, and ‘driven over repeatedly by a monster truck’.”
“Then,” he said with a smile, “having cut them all up into individual words, we got a blindfolded person to mix them all up – randomising them. We did this five times, which makes this the world’s first quintuple RCT.”
What about the control, we asked him? Glantz looked at us as though we were stupid…or possibly very attractive, it was hard to second guess by looking at his face. He could have had indigestion or just needed to go to the toilet.
“We controlled what words were to be selected!”
Once he’d reminded himself about what we were discussing he visibly relaxed again. “The final bit, what we proper scientists call ‘the trial’, is the laborious stage. Time and again we selected words to make potential results from vaping. If it didn’t look good enough it went back into the hat.”
Finally, after dragging out the process to a second round of funding applications, Glantz was satisfied with the results.
“The first new vaping danger we identified was ‘Exploding lungs’. We know that this is a real possibility because it was the first out of the hat and that makes it the most probable.”
Apparently, being observed in the real world is not a true concern for Glantz. What mattered next was that he could prove it might take place by using data, statistics, and a sheet of paper bearing the depiction of a cartoon penis.
Crossing out the penis, he hastily drew a person “going bang”, to use Glantz’s terminology. This was different to a person “banging”, he grinned as he nudged us in the ribs and winked.
“Following the proof of concept, I gave $100,000 to our design department to mock-up some good pictures.” (Included in this article)
The full list of new ailments and issues identified by the research:
- Exploding lungs
- Popcorn addiction
- We don’t know what’s in: metal
- Oil-coated formaldehyde
- Black spots on your gateways
- Addictive batteries
- Lifetime children habit
- Second-hand antifreeze
- Rat poison flavours
- Heavy crack epidemics
- Targeted teenagers
- Cotton candy toilet doors
- Playbook epidemics
Most worryingly for Glantz was the final one; that vaping absolutely, totally and utterly reverses all brain development in tobacco controllers. Fortunately, Michael Bloomberg has promised him another $500 million to blame it on snus.