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Land Of The Free

Land of the Free, or land of the free to be urine tested at any time by over-protective ignorant parents?

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America is rapidly becoming the ‘land of the free to snoop on your kids in a wildly authoritarian manner’ as Any Lab Test Now launches its lab testing service to parents. While Americans have the right to be as offensive as they like in the name of free speech, such freedoms are curtailed when it comes to thinking about the kids.

Alex Lamkin, owner of the company, said: “We’ve definitely seen an increase in parents bringing in teens. It is not necessarily one of our most popular tests, but I have definitely in the last six months seen an increase in that test.”

“So you’re trusting your teens, but at the same time, if you have the ability to check in on them every once in a while, that teen might go back to their friends like, ‘You know what, my parents test me every once in a while. I’m not gonna do this because of that’.”

What an odd way to display trust.

“Obviously, I love you darling; the man is just patting you down before you leave for school just to show just how much. In fact, if I didn’t love you then why would I have spent money on a handheld metal detector and that X-ray machine?”

“Mum, stop deleting my Instagram posts and give me back my phone.”

Any Lab Test Now says: “E-cigarettes are becoming more common among teenagers and is of major concern for parents. Many teens use it to smoke or ‘vape’ herbs such as marijuana, synthetic drugs such as kratom and k2/spice, or various oils. E-cigarettes contain nicotine/cotinine and other substances that can be both psychologically addictive as well as physically harmful to the brain and body.”

As a company profiting from adding to the fog around tobacco harm reduction, of course it says that. The company offers three test options to prospective gormless guardians; the cheapest option having parents force their child to take a urine test at $59 a pop.

“Give me a sample Johnny, and don’t forget to say ‘Thank you, Sir’ as you hand it over.”

Instead, for a meagre $120, parents can hack away at their child’s head with a pair of rusty scissors – leaving them with the kind of fashionable DIY haircut that is so a la mode in school playgrounds across the world.

“The hair follicle test can detect nicotine going back about three months,” proudly states Any Lab Test Now.

But for those affluent parents with a sincere desire to give their children something to talk about later in therapy, they can also drag them into the company’s facility to have blood removed for testing.

This nonsense is a direct result of the crass fear-driven agenda driving the debate over tobacco harm reduction in the USA. Are those responsible really unable to see how ridiculous this is?

The evidence over there is clear: The "epidemic" is restricted to 5.8% of high schoolers vaping frequently. Of that, over 90% of those are current or ex-smokers.

Dave Cross avatar

Dave Cross

Journalist at POTV
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Dave is a freelance writer; with articles on music, motorbikes, football, pop-science, vaping and tobacco harm reduction in Sounds, Melody Maker, UBG, AWoL, Bike, When Saturday Comes, Vape News Magazine, and syndicated across the Johnston Press group. He was published in an anthology of “Greatest Football Writing”, but still believes this was a mistake. Dave contributes sketches to comedy shows and used to co-host a radio sketch show. He’s worked with numerous vape companies to develop content for their websites.

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