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Bit of humour to brighten the day

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by ianleeds, May 22, 2017.

  1. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    Q/ Why was the buck rabbit thrown
    out of the square dance?

    A/ He was caught doing a dosey-
    doe in the corner.
     
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  2. Kwisatz Haderach

    Kwisatz Haderach Achiever

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    A farmer in the field with his cows counted 198 of them but when he rounded them up he had 200.
     
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  3. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    I went bobsleighing the other day.
    Killed a lot of bobs...
     
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  4. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    A photon checks into a hotel
    and is asked "Do you have any
    luggage?".

    The photon replies, "No,
    I'm travelling light."
     
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  5. Kwisatz Haderach

    Kwisatz Haderach Achiever

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    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
     
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  6. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    "Do you tell your husband when
    you have an orgasm?"
    "No. He doesn't like to be
    disturbed at work."
     
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  7. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    Q/ Whats the difference between
    roast beef and pea soup?

    A/ I can roast beef.
     
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  8. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    My local cafe is serving Oasis soup.
    You get a a roll with it.
     
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  9. Kwisatz Haderach

    Kwisatz Haderach Achiever

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    A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?" The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be £3.70." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?" The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be £3.70." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

    A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?" The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be £7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?" The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
    The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
    The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
     
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  10. Ment

    Ment Legend

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    The boss told his staff one day "I'm going home early, but you lot have to stay till the end of the day. No sneaking off".

    10 minutes later, all the staff went home too.

    One guy, who wasn't too bright, got home and could hear the sound of people having sex upstairs. He crept up, gently opened the bedroom door and saw his wife having sex with his boss.

    He crept out of the house and never mentioned it to his wife.

    The next week, the boss said the same thing and 10 minutes later all the staff started putting their coats on.

    The not too bright fells said "I'm not sneaking off early, I nearly got caught last week".
     
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