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Bit of humour to brighten the day

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by ianleeds, May 22, 2017.

  1. Social Misfit

    Social Misfit Postman

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    An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness

    A lady next To him says, "What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too."

    Irish man - "I'm celebrating."

    Lady - "Me too."

    Irish man - "What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?"

    Lady - "My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!"

    Irishman - "What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn't lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!"

    Lady - "Wow! How did that happen?"

    Irishman - "I used a different cock."

    Lady smiled and said, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!"
     
    • LOL LOL x 5
  2. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Sure.'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it.'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
    'Where's my toast
     
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  3. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
    After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
    The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”
    With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
    “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
     
    • LOL LOL x 2
  4. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
    My life is a joke.
     
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  5. Social Misfit

    Social Misfit Postman

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    @Kaktai i think we are getting jokes from the same source lol
     
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  6. Social Misfit

    Social Misfit Postman

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    An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

    The Frenchman replies. ‘zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy.joke

    The redneck says, ‘That aint nothing. When I’ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my dick on the curtains. She hits the fuckin’ ceiling.
     
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  7. Social Misfit

    Social Misfit Postman

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    A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’ He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’ Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’ Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’

    Clearing his throat, he stammered… ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming… that was me.’
     
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  8. BULLDOG1964

    BULLDOG1964 Legend

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    Recovering from flu.
    Finally ,I feel iv'e made some progress getting over this flu iv'e had for nearly a week.
    This morning , I sneezed and i did not shit my pants.
     
    • LOL LOL x 3
  9. John R

    John R Veteran

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    I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
    I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."
     
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  10. John R

    John R Veteran

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    A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
    After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
    The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
    The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
    When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
    As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
    Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
    "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
     
    • LOL LOL x 4

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