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Bit of humour to brighten the day

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by ianleeds, May 22, 2017.

  1. ianleeds

    ianleeds Achiever

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    A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, so he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
    After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
    He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
    and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
    So he asked the centipede in the box "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
    But there was no answer from his new pet.
    This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
    But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
    So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
    The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
    This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Church with me and learn about God?"
    This time, a little voice came out of the box "I heard you the first time!
    I'm putting my shoes on!"
    :11:
     
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  2. Kwisatz Haderach

    Kwisatz Haderach Achiever

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    A teacher was teaching her P7 class about the government, so for homework that day she told her pupils to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

    His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the prime minister, your mom is the house of commons, the maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny and he went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's cot and found that his brother had taken a crap in his nappy. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The prime minister is screwing the work force, the house of commons is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
     
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  3. Ment

    Ment Legend

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    A guy finds a magic lamp, rubs it and out pops a genie.

    "I can grant you one wish" says the genie. "Choose carefully".

    "I want to see world peace" says the guy, pulls out a map of the Middle East and points out all the trouble spots and explains what is going on.

    "I'm a genie, not God" says the genie. "I can grant you a wish, not perform miracles. Choose something else".

    The guy responds "OK then, could you fix it for Spurs to win the Premiership?"

    The genie thinks for a minute and says "Show me that map again".
     
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  4. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."
     
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  5. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    I've just been to see a sick
    friend in hospital.

    I found him in the mortuary,
    masturbating...
     
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  6. tony68

    tony68 Achiever

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    Well I bought a postbox its like a big metal box you screw to the wall for all your letters to go in. Bought it because my letterbox was so tight and springy that the postman could not push the letters through without cutting their fingers off. Anyhoo I got one bolted it to the wall and was ready to go. Then the problem I lost the keys to open the box to get my mail out. So contacted the company to send out some more keys so I could open it . They posted them.
     
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  7. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    I went out with a cardboard cut-out
    once. She dumped me though, because
    I stood her up.
     
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  8. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    I feared my wife had Tourette's, so
    I took her to see a psychiatrist.

    The good news? She's not got it.

    The bad news? I am a c*nt and she
    does want me to f*ck off.
     
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  9. HAZZA1962

    HAZZA1962 Legend

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    I used to go out with a Dutch Girl who wore Inflatable Shoes, But she's Popped her Clog's now !!! :dance:
     
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  10. Kaktai

    Kaktai Achiever

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    When I first met my girlfriend
    I knew she was a keeper.

    She had massive gloves on.
     
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